STFU

i fell....

lawlz,


picking colleges is hard, but i think living it will be harder.



opps on life.

theres is this boy, i am crushing on.


john he's upper cute.

blink 182 are getting together again!

lifes a hell ride, i hate it.


i fucking hate everything about it, all of it.


suicide is killing me inside.

i'm hungry FEED ME!

i need a fucking job ASAP!

i am tired of feeling like I've done worse in my life than i ever thought i would.

i hate church people, i doo!
fuck really i wish i did hate them, it'll be making life so much easier, like fuck man, i wish also i never met them, yeah there the best thing that might have happen to me EVER and i kinda regret a bit of not going to church again, and not doing nothing good with my life.
all i do it chill with kids that sometimes don't care, they just want drugs. fuck I've become a damn druggie, it's nasty. but i have to admit, i won't stop for anything. i am a bit scared of overdose, it's bond to happen again i bet you that much.

i might vist church once more, i kinda miss it. it will be hard going back, I've left for a long time once and it was hard coming back, they automatically think your on drugs, which i don't blame them i am. fuck i am stupid.



life sucks right about know.
leave me the fuck alone and let me live with my coke and blunts bitches.

gtfo my face bye.

short stories for the heck of it.


i might. i am just thinking of ideas.

Damn.











i look back at pictures of old best friends, moments, everything.
i kinda miss it.

i wish more could happen. i hope everything changes.
i am most likely how people say to me, DEPRESSED.


i need help. suicide is killing me.

yeah i just saw The Hottie and the Nottie, and it was suppah cute lawlz



this is going to be a chillen weekend. i promise. lawlz

oh and btw i didn't get to go to church last night GREAT!

...Really, i don't know what the fuck it going on anymore.
Javi (my church leader) is texting me right at this moment.
I don't know what to do really. He's telling me how when i chill with my friends and shit is bad cause of the drugs and alcohol and blah blah blah, i don't care, He's just talking major crap, maybe something he's saying it's true, i did lose faith oh to fast, it's just i got sick of it, i lied, i am not GOD FREE, i can't be, I've seen too much in my Christan days to say i am GOD FREE, really, come on, i used to be satanic in middle school, (not going into details) but i shall now from that too, that there is a God, but i just don't know if he is for me, yeah everyone talks about how he made everyone, and blah so he's must be for everyone, just find your place with him, but i just for some reason lost it a couple months back in the summer of '08 that i just don't know what to do anymore, i careless.....i think. i kinda do want to feel him again, but i just want to live my life.
other stuff as well makes me think that this is all bull shit as for when stephanny, one of my close friends from church, well she doesn't go much as well, told me that one of the profits or whatever said the world is ending this year by the fake profit that is going to be faking himself as Jesus, reallly that just made me think some more, jesus comes when he wants to come not when people say too!


i am just tired of bullshit.


well to make this subject a tad bit happy, i got NETFLICK wooooot! it's amazing i get to see all the movies i want whenever i want. lawlz!

i am on the way of watching LAIR, a series of Gay Vampires. bye
love;roly

yeah, lawlz.


i look back at my old post, shit i was soooo GODLY HOLY FUCK!!
lame as fuh, simple and clean now, GOD FREE.

maybe a phase is happening, idgaf really.


ima write more trust me.

on life, i am just to scared of letting people know.
i am scared that God just wants to keep putting me in these places that just keep reminding me so fucking much of my damn past that its hard to even see where i am going next, thats half why i don't bother with even going to God anymore, i don't want to keep hurting myself, i had enough of it, my past is way to much, and it keep bumping into me, just giving it up to God remind me more of it, i don't want that, i rather leave everything God has than feel this way.
but i want to start over, i don't know whats up with me anymore, i don't know what i want, i am too lost in myself i am barely caring about what i say here or to people, i careless who i hurt, and careless if i even talk to people. i am feeling so fucking shity right about now i am so deep into myself and just can't get my head outta thought i wish can just go away!


i hate the way shit is going right about now, all i think about is leave church and you'll feel great, i am starting to think thats true!
i can't bother of having a thought of going to church lately with out debating it, i live a fucking shit of a lie. i rather live like the days i had lately. but i don't know if its worth it or not, i can't stand thinking so much, i don't want to lose the true friends i have right about now, i know who they are, they message me everyday or text me, trying to know how i am. wanting me to let go and let god, they don't understand my past or how hard it was or is. to much has happened that i can't control the fact that its still there on my head rewinding, and other stuff that has happen in the past years months and weeks. i wish everything can just stop like a dvd player. i hate it. i am not sure whats next for me in the future, i hope i get to the point that everything gets fixed.


there more to this story, but this is what everyone has been wanting to know. and i popped out with the true facts about whats the fuck is going on with me. now go change up my story, and let other people fucking know that ghey tall tale shit you have for them, i don't care anymore! i heard to much, saw to much to care about anything, leave me the fuck alone, if you have something to say, say it, even if its nice, i won't mind i need some cheering up right about now man!

just let me know how true of a friend you all are!

I'm thinking that it's time to get out
My patients are fading fast
The mind bruises just a little bit easier
Dark times and shadows cast

What are you suffering for?
Your pride or some kind of personal war?
And will you throw it away?
For nothing more than the simple taste?

[Chorus]
I'll stay in time and watch you pass by
[paranoia woven deep beneath my skin]
And I'll draw this line (breath slow)
And hope you take my side (breath slow)
You shouldn't have to fight alone
[you shouldn't have to fight at all]
Its nobody's battle but your own

Panic holds me like a gun
Firm and steadfast bleak and cold
I think it's time to kill the drama
This life style's getting old

Faces threaten from behind closed doors
Eyes spy from dark windows
Plotting minds that seek to harm me, or maybe not
I don't really know

There is something waiting
For me
In the darkest Part of
My ima gi na-tion

[Chorus]
I'll stay in time and watch you pass by
[paranoia woven deep beneath my skin]
And I'll draw this line (breath slow)
And hope you take my side (breath slow)
You shouldn't have to fight alone
[you shouldn't have to fight at all]
Its nobody's battle but your own

This is just self-induced terror
There's more to come
This is just a glimpse
I tell myself that it's all in my head
But im pretty hard to convince

Oh, there's no relief
Oh, this world can offer
Oh, there's no relief
Oh, this world can offer me

I stay in time and watch you pass by
I draw this line
And hope you'll take my side
You shouldn't have to fight alone
It's nobody's battle but your own

this song goes to myself, and my biffle kriss metal.
i love her too much to let her far away from me!

i hate myself right about now!

i think i am going to be writing more here than i thought!

fasho. loads has happppened. My God life is falling apart. i am getting it back up. just a little push and i am goood. afternoon school and night school blows. i passed that shyt tho, and now i got geo to make up and english, almost done bbys.

more updates later.

bye God Bless

i am in forth period not doing my work and on the computers here, lol, i am needed to do some fcat reading caca but i am not doing it lol cause i am writing this cause i am bored, lol i am so bored but i am going to be looking up some stuff later on today at home for some project i need to do gah but other than that i am in class with the computer!  i have noticed something today i am becoming strong but i am being hit hard by the devil be can have me  dude!! lol he lost me forever and ever! thats it he can't never have me like he had me! lol i have GOD whatcha going to do niggggga lol you lose! any ways i am at school i talk back here when i get home, i am going to church tonight, but i am might go home and sleep for a LONG while lol i am really tired!





god bless ya'll

Lately i've been feeling like i've been missing out, i feel like i've been hurting myself, i've felt like i need to get out and live, but i am scared, something is taking my away from where i belong in God, but something is holding me down to him, and its hurting me soo  much, i don't want to seem stupid, or emotional, but i can't take nothing any longer, i cry myself to sleep, i feel like lately there is nothing out there for me, i know there is but i feel something burning to go out and Fight for what is not mine, and whats not mine isn't Gods, it's Satans, i don't want to go back to him, but i look back and see a bigger smile on my face when i used to be with him, but i see a smile with God that is bigger, but now the light that shines, is fading, and i am scared to walk alone in the dark hells again, but it's leading over to that, i pray all night to lead me out of the pits again, but i think i belong there, WHY!  everything is hitting me hard all at the same time, but i want to just leave it, I am pray that this is just another thing Gods going to put me threw and let me come out stronger, but i hope i don't come out back to satan, i hear talking to me every day. and it scares me.



i don't know what to do anymore,
i need help, hope it's all going to be alright,,